My Great Perhaps

            Vandana Shiva spoke about nuclear physicists in The Lottery of Birth and how they felt so accomplished when putting their life’s work into something as destructive as nuclear warfare. In an interview, she mentioned her time getting a master’s degree in physics and that she noticed “how unthinking nuclear scientists were about the question of radiation hazards” (“Vandana Shiva”.1). They had been training so hard to achieve massively destructive pieces of war that they completely forgot their affect on others. My mind has been reeling about what my life would amount to and my effect on others. Surely not something as horrific as the death of thousands, if not millions, of other people. But what if my life ends unnoticed in the long run by society? What if I make no positive impact on the world and my body lies restless in its grave? In thinking up what to write about for my three essays—a memoir, a lyrical essay, and a cultural criticism—I thought back to my favorite author: John Green. In his Printz award-winning novel, Looking for Alaska, the main character remembered a famous poet from the French Renaissance named François Rebelais. There’s a lot of debate as to what his last words could’ve been, but most people, including the author of Famous Last Words Laura Ward, believe that with his last dying breath, he uttered, “I go to seek a Great Perhaps” (Rebelais). Looking for Alaska follows a teenage boy that goes to a boarding school not knowing what he wants to do with his life. He’s neither great nor terrible at any subject, he didn’t have any close friends before he went, and he didn’t have anything that he was truly passionate about. Rebelais’s last words guided the character to the boarding school and to figure out what he’s supposed to make of his life. After reading the quote myself, it guided me as well. I started thinking about what my life has been and what it could be. My three essays are a short but very important part of my journey. My memoir relates my dad’s effect on my depression and how I found myself through a terrible part of my life. To capture the raw feelings of depression and loneliness, I chose the lyrical essay. Finally, my last essay’s major theme is something that makes me extremely happy: travelling. These three essays line up to form how I found happiness, the happiness that will lead me to my “Great Perhaps” (Ward).

            My memoir depicts a part of my life when happiness was not something I had at my disposal. In The Lottery of Birth, they often talked about having a greater purpose in life which correlates with someone trying to find their happiness in life. Without having gone through my depression, I never would have realized that writing was my true passion—not acting. My depression was absolutely life-changing and although it provided some of the worst times in my life, the appreciation I now have for myself, the people and world around me, and for happiness is something I would never give up. I have never felt happiness the way I do now before my depression. The choice of a memoir really helps support how I wanted to convey my depression and my journey to “seek a Great Perhaps” (Ward). It was simple and with just enough voice to represent my feelings about it without whining like a helpless brat.

            I chose to do a lyrical essay for several reasons. The first was that it was mainly about a break-up and the loss of friends, and any other kind of essay for something like that wouldn’t capture the audience’s attention—they simply wouldn’t care. Another reason was that the vagueness and metaphorical aspect strongly aided my motif of loneliness and hopelessness. It also gave readers the right to interpret it in a way that it could mean something to them. The last reason was that I already wrote a song called “The Wanderers” before the social catastrophe and a song called “Stereotypical Love Song” after everything had happened. I wanted to mesh together both aspects in a unified representation of my relationship with that particular friend group. One of the topics brought up in The Lottery of Birth was how short our lives really are. Why waste time on a career or people that aren’t perfectly happy with? Although I still miss my previous friends and I had a lot of good times with them, they caused way too much pain in my life. I didn’t fully realize how happy I could be without them in my life until I started writing about it; in songs, in my journal, and now in this essay. Of course, if any of them needed me, I’d be there in a heartbeat, but for now, I’m much happier and much less lonely without them in my life. I can move on to bigger and better things, spread out in the world to find my “Great Perhaps” (Ward), and let go of the past.

            A huge part of my family is travelling. We’re not happy unless we’re planning something—either the next big vacation, or a bunch of weekend camping trips throughout the year. When my sister and I got the opportunity to travel through Europe, we took it. It was an eye-opening experience that filled us both with happiness, adventure, and curiosity. Culture was one of the main topics in The Lottery of Birth. In fact, that’s where the title of the movie came from: nobody chooses what life or culture or family they’re born into—it’s all chosen by chance. Most of my life has been resenting all three of those elements. The light at the end of the tunnel for me was recognizing the opportunities I was born with. My parents worked hard to create wonderful opportunities for my sister and me and without having realized that, I wouldn’t be able to plan my future the way I want it to end up. Right now I am seeking, and later my future will be my “Great Perhaps” (Ward) that I am building up my life to.

            A human life consists of minor details and events to create the overall picture of what makes someone who they are. My life has had a lot of surprises that have led me to who I am now and I will lead myself to my “Great Perhaps” (Ward). Writing my memoir, lyrical essay, and cultural criticism helped me get a bird’s-eye view of my life and truly appreciate the happiness that I’ve experienced from high school till now in college. I am proud of who I am and hope that one day my writing will have a positive effect on someone, anyone. My words are the details that I weave into the fabric of my own world and show to anyone who is willing to appreciate my work. I will not allow myself to wake up one day and suddenly realize that I spent half of my life working on something destructive to the human race whether it’s physically or mentally. My “Great Perhaps” (Ward) will be successful and something to look back on as I lay dying when I’m old and be able to truly appreciate my life for what the lottery of birth gave me and how I managed to make it work for myself and my happiness.